He Knows My Name - A God Story From China One Year Later

(You might want to grab a cup of coffee and settle in....this probably is going to be a lot of words.  You also may need a tissue or two....if you are that type.)

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

Over the past few days I have been thinking back to a year ago.

A year ago I was in China....

a year ago we saw this,

a year ago we were in this place,

a year ago I met this child, 

a year ago....

A year ago yesterday (April 27th) was the hardest day of the trip.  You might remember we went to a very difficult orphanage.  What I saw, I can never un-see.  I went to China with a guard up around my heart - knowing that God had not called John and I to adopt.  Yet a year ago yesterday, one specific baby SHATTERED that guard.  You may remember her as the baby I referred to as "the sad eyes baby."  I held her, loved her and kissed her little head.  Someone had to take her out of my arms to put her in her crib as I was physically unable to put her down and leave her.  I had all I could do to hold my emotions in check (it is offensive in China to cry) long enough to get in the van.  

I came home a few days later and over the next couple of weeks wrestled with God in a way I never had before.  

Were we supposed to adopt this sweet baby?  

I pictured rocking her in our family room, 

making her part of our family.  

I even named her.  (I blame that on jet lag psychosis )  

As I wept and asked God what my response should be, I believe He (in His love and sweetness) gave me the name

Hope Eliana.

I desperately wanted her to have hope but I also wanted her to know that God answers (which is what Eliana means).  Over time, God gave me a peace that NO, we weren't to adopt her.  So I have loved her from a far, have prayed for her and as soon as Lifeline set up their sponsorship program, John and I signed up to sponsor her.

Yesterday, on the one year anniversary of meeting this sweet baby, I found out that she is being adopted and is slated to join her forever family soon. With that news came an onslaught of mixed emotions.  God confirmed that she is not to be ours - which I knew, but now it is for sure.  However, God, again in His sweetness and love, allowed me to connect with the woman who is adopting "my" baby.  It was a beautiful connection over Facebook as I shared my story of meeting her soon to be forever daughter - only made sweeter when she told me the name she had chosen for her daughter...

Elena Hope

When I told her the name God had given me, this was her response:

"Wow!!!! And when I was deciding on a name for her, Eliana Hope kept coming to my mind! And I strongly thought of naming her that because I love what Eliana means! But I was afraid it would be too close to have an Anna and Eliana! And I really loved the idea of having a sort of namesake for my mom! So Elena seemed like the perfect blend! Hope was always my choice for her middle name!"

God knew this sweet baby's name and I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR HER BY NAME (almost) for almost a year.  And I thought once I got home, God was done with the details of that trip.  

So while my heart is a little bit sad that the door has indeed been closed to us adopting her, I am thrilled to be connected to her and her new family.  It is a gift that I didn't ever expect.  

And in case you are wondering, here is a side by side of Miss Elena Hope (used with permission).  The first picture is the baby I saw a year ago and the second is a recent picture taken at the Foster Center (she was moved out of the orphanage shortly after we got home.)

Thank you again for all the support and encouragement you gave me as I went on this trip.  God remains at work and I can't wait to go back at some point.

To God be the glory, great things HE has done!

Then What: When Adoption isn't an Option

Disclaimer:  This has been a hard post to write.  It has been written and rewritten  over the course of the last several weeks as I worked to process my trip to China  - what I learned and my challenge going forward.   I don't want to just dust my hands off and move on with life.  And yet, as written below I have wrestled with what my take -away is and reconciling that with the call to "care for orphans." 


I did really well keeping my guard up with all the babies and kids we saw - telling myself that adoption is not for our family.  We don't have the time, the energy, the money....Jacob is going to be in high school and in four short years on his way to college.  I need to go back to work to fund college.  Molly is eight and all three kids are independent and we are enjoying a new stage of life.

And yet, one little baby cracked my guard.  She is the only one (out of countless kids that I interacted with and even held) whose head I kissed.  She was the one who had the saddest eyes we saw and who I couldn't put back in her crib.  I would have brought her home!!!  I continue to weep for her.   During those jet lag nights when I was WIDE AWAKE AT 2AM , I prayed for her, and pictured rocking her in the rocking chair in the family room, I even gave her a name. (I blame that last part on jet lag psychosis.) All joking aside,  I continue to pray and continue to weep and continue to wonder.

And yet, as I wrestled with God and in the weeks since, I have a peace in my heart that adoption still is not God's call for our family.

So if not adoption, then what? 

Then what is caring for the three beautiful children God has given me.

Being present and available in their lives.

Ministering to their hurts and needs.

Praying and loving them.

Then what is caring for the 400 children who attend the school where I work.

Every child at school has at least one living parent, and yet, many are just as vulnerable as if they were truly orphans.

It is understanding that sometimes a stomach ache is more than a stomach ache,

that a meltdown has more to do with needing a nap than with the assignment,

that some bruises aren't from playground injuries,

that sometimes the best care I can give is a hug.


But for all of us,

Then what can be teaching Sunday School, leading youth group, welcoming kids into our home, being mentors.

Then what can be supporting and encouraging families who have been called to adopt, or being part of "the village" it takes to raise a child, or financially and prayerfully supporting children here and around the world.

Because at the end of the day, children don't have to be orphans to be vulnerable and in need of our care and compassion.

They can be in different parts of the world, but they can also be in our church, in our school, even in our own family.


Our worship (or true religion as James calls it) isn't so much about the ACT of adoption as it is about the HEART of compassion.

It is loving and caring for the vulnerable.

Adoption is an amazing call that many families have and choose to answer.  I have great respect and admiration for every family who answers that call.

But for those of us who don't have that same calling, we needn't feel guilty or inadequate in our worship.

Rather we can look for ways to have a heart of compassion for those God has put in our path,

being obedient to that which God HAS called us to do.

Wrecked

I'm tired and jet lagged.

I don't feel the emotional fog that I felt coming home from Ghana but I do feel like I am just starting to process my trip and experience in China -which made for a long and sleepless night (see above: jet lag - it's a beast!)

Anyway, I found this quote a few months ago and feel like it captures where I'm at today.

"This loving orphans, whether we are able to be a family to them or not, it comes with an intangible price. We're wrecked on the inside, and we're never the same. But the freedom comes with the full abandonment of what this world tells us is right and acceptable and DO-ABLE. True freedom is found in the tide the carries us out into the deep unknown, to the things that we can only do through the Father's strength and power."
- Cindy M. from mission: mary-kate

Home Sweet Home

I am home!!!

22 hours after leaving the hotel, I was picked up at O'hare by John and two very excited kiddos (the third was home because of prior commitments).

We ran a couple of errands and went to dinner.  It was nice to have a hamburger and a carbonated beverage other than Coke. 

I'm pretty sure I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I still feel like I could sleep for a few days.  I also have a cold so that doesn't help matters.

But alas, it is Saturday and we have a full schedule so back to reality (hopefully gently today)!

I will be back to add pictures and share more about the trip, etc after I have a little more sleep and can think straight.

Thanks for praying for me. 

Answering

Well, the end has come!

I answered a call and came on a trip knowing no one but God and I'm coming home with 9 new friends.

I answered a call to care for orphans and am coming home deeply caring for several who etched a place in my heart.

I answered a call to add to orphan files and am coming home excited to see those files go out to families whom God has called to adopt a little person from China.

I answered a call to step out in faith, to walk on a path marked out for me only one step at a time and I am coming home knowing without a shadow of a doubt that HE WHO CALLS YOU WILL DO IT!

My heart is full and my mind is tired tonight as I get ready for "one more sleep" in China.  We leave the hotel at 7:45am to start for home.

Please pray for safety and smooth connections and wonderful reunions for all involved.

Thank you so much for praying for me and for your notes of encouragement.  They have sustained me and I am grateful.

I will update once I get home and get some sleep and will try to add a post with some pictures.

Stranger anxiety a breath of fresh air

The last two days we have been in Maoming at the orphanage here.

It has been balm to the soul.

The kids are still orphans and there are still heart breaking cases but it has been so different.  For one, the nanny/child ratio is 3-4 nannies per 15-20 children...much improved on the 1 to 20 ratio we saw a day earlier.  The nannies could thoroughly answer questions and it was refreshing to see the children have stranger anxiety and hide behind their nannies.  Many past adoptive families sent updates back so the nannies could see how the kids were doing in their forever families.

We had a very busy day yesterday (Tuesday).  It was like working at the pediatrician's office again (complete with a full waiting room and a doctor running behind).  To say we were tired at the end of the day could quite possibly be an understatement.

Many of the kids we saw had the usual diagnoses:

Down syndrome
Cleft palate
Mental delay (which can have a variety of titles)
Heart disease

The list could go on but that is what we saw the most.  Our translator in the morning was less than helpful and more concerned with being on her phone than anything.  I thought the doctor was GOING TO LOSE HER MIND!

Of all the stations to have an out to lunch translator - medical is NOT it.  Fortunately we were able to get a different translator for the afternoon.  Medical things in general are hard to translate so much got lost in translation but we were able to make due.

We did see one pretty sick little heart baby who ( and I am not exaggerating) was blue.  If the doctor had had her way she would have gone straight to the hospital but that isn't necessarily how things work in China nor in an orphanage.  We are hoping the local foster care center will take her and get her help but we aren't sure if treatment will be in time.  Please pray that this sweet baby can know love in her lifetime and if it God's will that she will get the treatment she needs before her heart is too damaged.

That baby threw a little bit of a monkey wrench in the afternoon but we got through the rest of the kids (33 in all yesterday).  My roommate and I went to KFC last night for dinner.  It was what you would expect from a KFC but I didn't have to eat with chopsticks so you'll hear no complaints here.

Today we returned to Maoming ( minus our morning translator - who I can't say I was sorry to see go). We saw a handful of sweet cuties today before lunch.  After lunch and rest-time (everyone takes a rest) we walked around the block (not sure what you call it here) and visited a couple a private family foster homes.  An empty - nester couple is sponsored by Lifeline through Maoming orphanage to take 4 orphans into their home and care for them.  It was fun to see a couple of these homes.  The kids were darling and were thriving.

The last two days have been busy but rewarding.  We are done seeing kids and all the information and  thousands of pictures will be/ have been sent back to the states to add to the files of children waiting to be adopted.  (Not all of the pictures will be added - that may be a bit overwhelming)

We leave Maoming in the morning to travel back to Guangzhou, do some shopping (pray I can find a spoon to add to my collection and make quick gift decisions.). We will have dinner and spend one more night here in China before departing for home Friday.

I'm sure shopping will be an adventure so I will try to post about that tomorrow before I call it a trip!

Thank you for praying for me.  I appreciate everyone's love and encouragement.

Sand worm salad and Pizza Hut

Sometimes meals here require a post all to themselves and Monday's meals fit the bill.

The staff from Suixi took us out for lunch.  Let me describe the setting.

You drive in and on one side of you is an open air kitchen with a variety of animals and fish living and swimming - not realizing their days are numbered.   On the other side is a building that looks like a run down hotel with outside enterances.  However, the rooms are actually your "table."

We walked into the room to a huge table with THE BIGGEST lazy Susan I have ever seen.  There was food already on it....and the food just kept coming!  Once there was one layer of food around the lazy Susan they would start a second layer.

I stuck to things I recognized and that didn't have eyes.  One of the salads look slightly suspicious and come to find out it was sand worms on the greens.  THANK THE LORD I DIDN'T TRY THAT!

It helped that I was sitting by team members and not the locals otherwise they would have required me to try everything (or at least hide the food as some of the girls did).   I had beef noodles, broccoli, fried iris root (which tasted kind of like funnel cake), beans, and I'm sure some other things that I can't remember because at this point I have had probably 20 Chinese meals.

We drove to Maoming after Suixi and after checking into our hotel (that have cool bathrooms but beds harder than the floor) we went to Pizza Hut.

Yes, Pizza Hut and KFC are quite popular here.  However, Pizza Hut is not like our Pizza Huts at home.  They are more along the lines of Applebee's.  They had fajitas, steak, and other things besides pizza.  And because many of the chemicals that are common in the States are banned here, the pizza is actually really good.

I had a personal pan veggie pizza that included corn on it.  I could have had a bacon wrapped shrimp pizza but felt that was a little bit of over kill.  I could have had hot corn juice but decided to pass on that as well.

Again, the waitress brought water just like they bring glasses of water in the states except if you have been following along at home, the Chinese get a kick out of drinking hot water.  So once again, we ordered ice water and she looked at us like we were crazy.  She brought us two slightly larger glasses of ice water to split among the 8 of us.

We had our translators with us so they helped us order.  Heaven help you if you just want a cheese pizza.  There is no such thing so we ended up ordering a Hawaiian pizza with no ham and no pineapple.  I have found that other counties sometimes have a hard time thinking outside the box so it often makes life interesting.

We are headed back to Pizza Hut tonight sans translators so who knows what we will end up with....

Hopefully something I recognize and not sand worms!