I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
Over the past few days I
have been thinking back to a year ago.
A year ago I was in China....
a
year ago we saw this,
a year ago we were in this place,
a year ago I met
this child,
a year ago....
A year ago yesterday (April
27th) was the hardest day of the trip. You might remember we went to a
very difficult orphanage. What I saw, I can never un-see. I went to
China with a guard up around my heart - knowing that God had not called
John and I to adopt. Yet a year ago yesterday, one specific baby
SHATTERED that guard. You may remember her as the baby I referred to as
"the sad eyes baby." I held her, loved her and kissed her little head. Someone
had to take her out of my arms to put her in her crib as I was
physically unable to put her down and leave her. I had all I could do
to hold my emotions in check (it is offensive in China to cry) long
enough to get in the van.
I came home a few days later
and over the next couple of weeks wrestled with God in a way I never had
before.
Were we supposed to adopt this sweet baby?
I pictured rocking
her in our family room,
making her part of our family.
I even named
her. (I blame that on jet lag psychosis 
)
As I wept and asked God what my response should be, I believe He (in
His love and sweetness) gave me the name
Hope Eliana.
I desperately
wanted her to have hope but I also wanted her to know that God answers
(which is what Eliana means). Over time, God gave me a peace that NO,
we weren't to adopt her. So I have loved her from a far, have prayed
for her and as soon as Lifeline set up their sponsorship program, John
and I signed up to sponsor her.
Yesterday, on the one
year anniversary of meeting this sweet baby, I found out that she is
being adopted and is slated to join her forever family soon.
With that news came an onslaught of mixed emotions. God confirmed
that she is not to be ours - which I knew, but now it is for sure.
However, God, again in His sweetness and love, allowed me to connect with
the woman who is adopting "my" baby. It was a beautiful connection over
Facebook as I shared my story of meeting her soon to be forever
daughter - only made sweeter when she told me the name she had chosen
for her daughter...
Elena Hope
When I told her the name God had given me, this was her response:
"Wow!!!! And when I was deciding on a name for her, Eliana Hope kept coming to my mind! And I strongly thought of naming her that because I love what Eliana means! But I was afraid it would be too close to have an Anna and Eliana! And I really loved the idea of having a sort of namesake for my mom! So Elena seemed like the perfect blend! Hope was always my choice for her middle name!"
God knew this sweet baby's name and I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR HER BY NAME (almost) for almost a year. And I thought once I got home, God was done with the details of that trip.
So
while my heart is a little bit sad that the door has indeed been closed
to us adopting her, I am thrilled to be connected to her and her new
family. It is a gift that I didn't ever expect.
And
in case you are wondering, here is a side by side of Miss Elena Hope (used with permission).
The first picture is the baby I saw a year ago and the second is a
recent picture taken at the Foster Center (she was moved out of the
orphanage shortly after we got home.)
Thank
you again for all the support and encouragement you gave me as I went
on this trip. God remains at work and I can't wait to go back at some
point.
