Wrecked

I'm tired and jet lagged.

I don't feel the emotional fog that I felt coming home from Ghana but I do feel like I am just starting to process my trip and experience in China -which made for a long and sleepless night (see above: jet lag - it's a beast!)

Anyway, I found this quote a few months ago and feel like it captures where I'm at today.

"This loving orphans, whether we are able to be a family to them or not, it comes with an intangible price. We're wrecked on the inside, and we're never the same. But the freedom comes with the full abandonment of what this world tells us is right and acceptable and DO-ABLE. True freedom is found in the tide the carries us out into the deep unknown, to the things that we can only do through the Father's strength and power."
- Cindy M. from mission: mary-kate

Home Sweet Home

I am home!!!

22 hours after leaving the hotel, I was picked up at O'hare by John and two very excited kiddos (the third was home because of prior commitments).

We ran a couple of errands and went to dinner.  It was nice to have a hamburger and a carbonated beverage other than Coke. 

I'm pretty sure I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I still feel like I could sleep for a few days.  I also have a cold so that doesn't help matters.

But alas, it is Saturday and we have a full schedule so back to reality (hopefully gently today)!

I will be back to add pictures and share more about the trip, etc after I have a little more sleep and can think straight.

Thanks for praying for me. 

Answering

Well, the end has come!

I answered a call and came on a trip knowing no one but God and I'm coming home with 9 new friends.

I answered a call to care for orphans and am coming home deeply caring for several who etched a place in my heart.

I answered a call to add to orphan files and am coming home excited to see those files go out to families whom God has called to adopt a little person from China.

I answered a call to step out in faith, to walk on a path marked out for me only one step at a time and I am coming home knowing without a shadow of a doubt that HE WHO CALLS YOU WILL DO IT!

My heart is full and my mind is tired tonight as I get ready for "one more sleep" in China.  We leave the hotel at 7:45am to start for home.

Please pray for safety and smooth connections and wonderful reunions for all involved.

Thank you so much for praying for me and for your notes of encouragement.  They have sustained me and I am grateful.

I will update once I get home and get some sleep and will try to add a post with some pictures.

Stranger anxiety a breath of fresh air

The last two days we have been in Maoming at the orphanage here.

It has been balm to the soul.

The kids are still orphans and there are still heart breaking cases but it has been so different.  For one, the nanny/child ratio is 3-4 nannies per 15-20 children...much improved on the 1 to 20 ratio we saw a day earlier.  The nannies could thoroughly answer questions and it was refreshing to see the children have stranger anxiety and hide behind their nannies.  Many past adoptive families sent updates back so the nannies could see how the kids were doing in their forever families.

We had a very busy day yesterday (Tuesday).  It was like working at the pediatrician's office again (complete with a full waiting room and a doctor running behind).  To say we were tired at the end of the day could quite possibly be an understatement.

Many of the kids we saw had the usual diagnoses:

Down syndrome
Cleft palate
Mental delay (which can have a variety of titles)
Heart disease

The list could go on but that is what we saw the most.  Our translator in the morning was less than helpful and more concerned with being on her phone than anything.  I thought the doctor was GOING TO LOSE HER MIND!

Of all the stations to have an out to lunch translator - medical is NOT it.  Fortunately we were able to get a different translator for the afternoon.  Medical things in general are hard to translate so much got lost in translation but we were able to make due.

We did see one pretty sick little heart baby who ( and I am not exaggerating) was blue.  If the doctor had had her way she would have gone straight to the hospital but that isn't necessarily how things work in China nor in an orphanage.  We are hoping the local foster care center will take her and get her help but we aren't sure if treatment will be in time.  Please pray that this sweet baby can know love in her lifetime and if it God's will that she will get the treatment she needs before her heart is too damaged.

That baby threw a little bit of a monkey wrench in the afternoon but we got through the rest of the kids (33 in all yesterday).  My roommate and I went to KFC last night for dinner.  It was what you would expect from a KFC but I didn't have to eat with chopsticks so you'll hear no complaints here.

Today we returned to Maoming ( minus our morning translator - who I can't say I was sorry to see go). We saw a handful of sweet cuties today before lunch.  After lunch and rest-time (everyone takes a rest) we walked around the block (not sure what you call it here) and visited a couple a private family foster homes.  An empty - nester couple is sponsored by Lifeline through Maoming orphanage to take 4 orphans into their home and care for them.  It was fun to see a couple of these homes.  The kids were darling and were thriving.

The last two days have been busy but rewarding.  We are done seeing kids and all the information and  thousands of pictures will be/ have been sent back to the states to add to the files of children waiting to be adopted.  (Not all of the pictures will be added - that may be a bit overwhelming)

We leave Maoming in the morning to travel back to Guangzhou, do some shopping (pray I can find a spoon to add to my collection and make quick gift decisions.). We will have dinner and spend one more night here in China before departing for home Friday.

I'm sure shopping will be an adventure so I will try to post about that tomorrow before I call it a trip!

Thank you for praying for me.  I appreciate everyone's love and encouragement.

Sand worm salad and Pizza Hut

Sometimes meals here require a post all to themselves and Monday's meals fit the bill.

The staff from Suixi took us out for lunch.  Let me describe the setting.

You drive in and on one side of you is an open air kitchen with a variety of animals and fish living and swimming - not realizing their days are numbered.   On the other side is a building that looks like a run down hotel with outside enterances.  However, the rooms are actually your "table."

We walked into the room to a huge table with THE BIGGEST lazy Susan I have ever seen.  There was food already on it....and the food just kept coming!  Once there was one layer of food around the lazy Susan they would start a second layer.

I stuck to things I recognized and that didn't have eyes.  One of the salads look slightly suspicious and come to find out it was sand worms on the greens.  THANK THE LORD I DIDN'T TRY THAT!

It helped that I was sitting by team members and not the locals otherwise they would have required me to try everything (or at least hide the food as some of the girls did).   I had beef noodles, broccoli, fried iris root (which tasted kind of like funnel cake), beans, and I'm sure some other things that I can't remember because at this point I have had probably 20 Chinese meals.

We drove to Maoming after Suixi and after checking into our hotel (that have cool bathrooms but beds harder than the floor) we went to Pizza Hut.

Yes, Pizza Hut and KFC are quite popular here.  However, Pizza Hut is not like our Pizza Huts at home.  They are more along the lines of Applebee's.  They had fajitas, steak, and other things besides pizza.  And because many of the chemicals that are common in the States are banned here, the pizza is actually really good.

I had a personal pan veggie pizza that included corn on it.  I could have had a bacon wrapped shrimp pizza but felt that was a little bit of over kill.  I could have had hot corn juice but decided to pass on that as well.

Again, the waitress brought water just like they bring glasses of water in the states except if you have been following along at home, the Chinese get a kick out of drinking hot water.  So once again, we ordered ice water and she looked at us like we were crazy.  She brought us two slightly larger glasses of ice water to split among the 8 of us.

We had our translators with us so they helped us order.  Heaven help you if you just want a cheese pizza.  There is no such thing so we ended up ordering a Hawaiian pizza with no ham and no pineapple.  I have found that other counties sometimes have a hard time thinking outside the box so it often makes life interesting.

We are headed back to Pizza Hut tonight sans translators so who knows what we will end up with....

Hopefully something I recognize and not sand worms!

City of Grace

Note - Thank you for allowing me to post out of order yesterday.  I appreciate being able to process  a difficult day despite it being "out of order" in my journaling.

Sunday we visited the City of Grace - Lifeline's Foster Center that they opened back in July in response to the poor conditions at Suixi.  13 children who had minimal medical problems but who were failing to thrive at Suixi were moved to the Foster center.

And I can assure you -THEY ARE THRIVING!

They are loved and cared for by a handful of nannies - a few of the nannies have become believers in the process.

They kids were happy and interactive and for the first time on the trip, the guard of my heart started to come down.

For the first time I wrestled with should I adopt.  Should we adopt?

I met a little girl who was about 5 years old who quickly became my little buddy.  She and I played with duplos and played ball and laughed.  Even after we had gone out for lunch and the kids had napped, she found me with her stack of duplos and we began to play again.

I saw a little boy who had some delays but reminded me of my sweet nephew "T" just the way he had mischief in his eyes.  He was such a little helper - holding the door for everyone when we went out for play time and again when it was time to come in.  (We played in a dry fountain area - which was brilliant as it was walled so it kept the kids corralled - until the janitor ladies started cleaning the fountain.  They don't care who is in the fountain!  They are going to hose it down and if you don't want to get wet you better get out.)

We left the Foster center around lunch time and went to a local noodle place.  It was very good.  We walked to a local coffee shop and just visited until it was time for the kids to get up from their naps.  We went back and spent the rest of the afternoon there and left around dinner time.

Dinner was ....

Chinese food!   We had a variety of things again on the lazy Susan.  We didn't have to wash our dishes as they came shrink wrapped.  I guess if the dishes are wrapped in plastic you're good to go! (Although the local Chinese people still cleaned their dishes with the hot tea - go figure!)

We had a lot of veggies which was nice.  We had what I can only describe as carmelized sweet potato monkey bread.  It wasn't monkey bread but you pulled it apart like monkey bread.  You had to dip it in water to cool it down and still pray you didn't blister the roof of your mouth or burn off all your taste buds.  (I don't know how the Chinese can get things SO HOT!). I don't quite remember what else we had (the Chinese food is all running together at this point) but it was good.

It was a good day overall but I am still wondering what my take away from this trip will be.  While I have met some darling children and while there are a couple that have stolen a piece of my heart and who I can't get out of my mind, I am still very much wrestling with if our family is called to adopt.

If so, then what?

But if not, then what?


I just ask for you to continue to pray for the orphans.  Prsy that they would know they love of their Heavenly Father.  He knows them by name, knows the number of (often short) hairs on their head, and has created them for a purpose.  It is hard to understand that purpose - especially for those who are (un)adopted, but I know and trust that God has a plan for each little life.

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
THEY ARE PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT
Jesus love the little children of the world!

The Day My Heart Broke

Note - I will come back to what I did on. Sunday.  We visited Lifeline's Foster Center in Zhujiang.  I think I linked to the video in one of my posts (maybe the "54D" post).  It was a fun day but I will come back to it and give more details.

I'm not even sure where to begin this post nor am I even sure what to say about today.  I knew today had the potential to be tough based on what we had heard about the orphanage we were going to.  But like I told one of the girls tonight, just like getting bad news you know is coming, nothing can prepare you for the actual event.

You hear about orphanages being rough but until you hold a baby whose eyes have no light in them and then have to put that baby back into a bed that has no mattress only a steel bottom

Or until you see a little boy tied to his bed by his bib

Or until you see kids lying in their urine for hours

Or

Or

Or.......

Or until you examine a baby that has a potentially fatal genetic disorder and you don't know whether you should even tell the orphanage her prognosis for fear they will just neglect her, you can't even begin to comprehend rough.

We saw several babies today that looked like newborns despite the fact that they were 4 months old or greater.  We saw kids today that were Kellen's age that have probably no hope of ever being adopted due to either disabilities or lack of schooling.

For the record, I didn't put the baby back in the crib.  Katie (the team leader) took her out of my arms as I tried to hold myself together - it is offensive to Chinese for a person to cry.

I'm tired tonight as I think most of the team is.  Our hearts are tired.

I am not sure what my take away from the day is yet.  I still don't feel like I am called to adopt (which I will talk about when I talk about the Foster Center).  But I also feel like I can't walk away from today unchanged.  You can't un-see things.

Tomorrow is a new day with new mercies and I am grateful.  (I'm also grateful that we are going to a nicer orphanage the next two days)

Thank you for continuing to pray for me and the team.  But today, please also pray for the orphans - that they would be held safely in the arms of Jesus and that they would know the Father's love for the fatherless.